Sunday, July 15, 2007

User Friendly

Good old User Friendly. It's been going since 1997. Why, it's nothing short of a veritable webcomic institution!

It is also proof that THERE IS NO GOD.

User Friendly is a monstrous carbuncle upon the face of Creation. It is a fat, steaming turd that was dropped bodily into Eden by Satan's fiery dickhole. It is a gargantuan excrement that caused the flood, the death of the dinosaurs and evil itself. No, no - worse. It is a wart upon the Devil's own instrument, a bubonic pustule oozing thick, black pus and smelling like a hundred tons of shit in a one-ton shithouse. It is a wrinkled, decaying thing that is such a horror unto all living things that none can stomach even the knowledge of its existence, save for the festering maggots and lice that inhabit it, feeding from it and growing fat upon the slime and bile it produces.

Doing an entry on User Friendly has made me look at User Friendly for the first time since I last saw it in 2002 when I said - and I quote - "This shit is fucking terrible."

Look at it. Fucking look at it. It is fucking terrible. You've got characters that are put together with the kind of grasp of basic human anatomy that's you'd expect a dim badger to have. The dialogue revolves around something that's supposed to be a joke based on management types being clueless. Only it reads more like programmer-types are the laziest, most worthless dregs of society you could imagine. He doesn't want to do his job! He's too busy playing video games! And he's the hero, not the comic relief! Ha ha ha! Ugh. It reads like Dilbert fanfiction.

Dilbert fanfiction.
Let that sink in, okay? This man, who calls himself Illiad (a great work of fiction) in some kind of twisted irony, has seen Dilbert and thought to himself: "I can do this, too!"

Actually, knowing what a bunch of egotistical jackasses that bad webcomic creators are, he probably thought something more along the lines of "I CAN BEAT THIS GUY AT HIS OWN GAME, AHAHAHAHA!!"

C'mon, webcomic jerks, you know that's how it is. Terracciano, Reitz, Gallagher - saying you're paying tribute, trying to live up to your supposed "heroes"... that's all a massive lie. You know it, I know it, stop deluding yourselves and everyone else. You have this horrible drive to be famous and surrounded by legions of fans, but sadly are mostly incapable of acheiving this since you are utterly devoid of the talent you need to accomplish your goals.

Also you're horrible people and I hate you all.

Back to UF. I'm not going to go on about the art much, since it's obvious how terrible it is. How very, very terrible it is. It's not really improved since the start, it's cut-and-paste like Buckleyvision, it's... it's... it's shit, let's face it. There is nothing you can say to defend it.

The writing is what I'll talk about - brutally and at length. I feel I have to talk a lot about the writing for these bad webcomics, since ninety-nine out of a hundred chucklefucks out there are completely fucking clueless about writing in any way, shape or form. Put any string of words together which don't call them "fucking clueless" or "chucklefucks" and they drool, they clap, they giggle and think it's good. It happens with most badly-written webcomics, ie most webcomics.

These are the same kinds of people who'll bitch about Star Wars continuity errors, bitch about people misrepresenting Wolverine in X-Tits #54, bitch about yet another terrible mistranslation of Takahashi-sama's latest and greatest work. They will complain about bad writing except when it's presented to them free with pretty pictures. Well, a lot of them will. There's always the few who could be entertained by equally by a multi-million dollar film or a bout of flatulence.

That's UF for you, really. It's the right noises made to entertain the right people. You can't really fault Illiad for pandering to the vacant-minded morons who coo and simper over lousy nerd references. Wait, yes you can. Because User Friendly is terrible. It even has the "I AM A GIRL BUT I USE COMPUTERS" character. Fappin' yet, nerds? Is her talk of PERL and C++ turning you on?

No, because she's drawn like a guy with malevolent tumors in his pecs. Much like... well, pretty much every person I've spoken of on this blog since the start (excusing Dave Willis) can't draw women right. Even JDR, who's so obsessed that he got a doctor to take a Goddamn weed whacker to his ding-a-ling, can't do it right. Even Carlos G, architecht of Lowroad and professional creepy-guy-that-stares-at-teenage-girls, can't do it right. Even "Mookie" Terracciano, who's apparently even had a date once with a girl (until she found out about the rape thing, I guess), can't do it right. It's amazing to think that even with the sheer number of webcomic creators who are teenage pocket-pool enthusiants, they've never spent enough time looking at a woman's body to get it right.

Mind you, few of them can get a man's body correct, either, so apparently they're asexual vampires or something. God only knows.

Just take a gander at this recent strip. I could make this in Microsoft fucking Paint. A photo of some offices, taken down to 16 colours and then with added text. Terrible text. The Russian guy is supposedly some super-genius evil villain, which is wish fulfilment for Illiad. All the characters are wish fulfilment for Illiad, really - the young, shy but oh-so clever nerd who GETS DA GIRL. Da girl herself, most likely (hellloooo transgender fetish again). The "snarky" (and boy I hate that word) alpha male nerd who's always dealing with those damn sheeple LUSERS. So on and so forth. The only non-fulfilment character is Stef, who's essentially there to be mocked and laughed at and all that jazz.

"You're the punchline" says the strip. This is actually funny because that's supposed to be the punchline... only it's not funny. At all. Ever. Maybe if my life revolved around Beowulf clusters and getting the first post on Slashdot, I might be snorting through my one working nostril and trying to stop my glasses from falling into the bag of Cheetos on my lap. I might be stroking my neckbeard and playing solitaire with Magic: the Gathering cards as I peruse the ongoing storyline about AJ and Miranda and their will-they-won't-they-actually-they-won't romance because I'll be the kind of person who enjoys cocktease storylines. Who revels in that kind of ongoing, never-ending shitheap. Ugh. I'm feeling queasy just imagining it.

Really, what can I say about User Friendly that hasn't been said before? People have already panned the art, panned the writing, panned the horrible community full of sickly morons who hand out "cookies" and "warm fuzzies" in a masturbatory circlejerk of monstrous complexity. People have groaned at the stupid "Dust Puppy" character and how fucking retarded it is, and how the "Crud Puppy" is ten thousand times more retarded. I mean, it's a pile of shit with feet and it's been used as some kind of credible nemesis? Bitch, please. Webcomics trying to be both gag-a-day and drama just DON'T FUCKING WORK. Get the hint already, you fucking idiots.

Here's something new I can say about User Friendly for you all: it is almost impossible to think of anything I'd rather do less than read the entire archives of User Friendly which doesn't involve bodily mutilation or losing at least several thousand dollars in cash. Hell, I would rather read Dominic Deegan: Oracle for Hire from start to finish than do the exact same for User Friendly. Yes, that's right: justified rape, repulsive character design and a story that could be done better if it was a bout of flatulence. All better than User Friendly.

Hey, I guess that'll probably make Terracciano stop crying. Better talk some more shit about him later. But that can wait, his own pathetic life will get him sobbing again in no time. Next time: PvP.

63 comments:

Anonymous said...
Leaving no sacred cow untouched, huh? Good. User Friendly is shite.
John Solomon said...
Anyone who considers UF to be a sacred cow I would like to contact and get ahold of the fine narcotics they are apparently imbibing on a regular basis.
Anonymous said...
I hereby demand that the phrase "weed whackers to his ding-a-ling" be used more often.
Anonymous said...
"Leaving no sacred cow untipped"
Anonymous said...
I can normaly read a few pages of the coimcs you reveiw here without getting sick. But this time I was unable to. The "jokes" aren't just bad. At least with bad jokes, you can tell that a bad joke is being told. Untill you pointed it out, I did not even think that there was a puch line in that MS paint comic. When you can't even get across the fact that your telling a joke, its time to call it quits.
Dave said...
http://ars.userfriendly.org/cartoons/?id=20070627 I started reading backwards, got this far, and decided to do something enjoyable, like eating thumbtacks.
Anonymous said...
Why are you going after small fry, aside from it being hilarious. Have you thought of hitting up 8-bit Theater? That shit is on episde 800 and something. 800 fucking episodes, man. It hasn't been funny since like episode 10, plus it spawned an entire legion of sprite comics that litter the internet like roadkill on the interstate. And Clevinger is probably the sacred cow of all sacred cows, in a sacred ivory tower with gigantic pits full of gold coins, like Scrooge McDuck.
Anonymous said...
I think that the most telling thing about User Friendly is that even its own fans don't read it. You can tell from the comment boards under each comic. Nobody even shows any evidence of even having looked at the actual comic.
Anonymous said...
"Nobody even shows any evidence of even having looked at the actual comic" Thats what happens if you read comics like that.
John Solomon said...
People, if you don't stop telling me to "stop going after small fry", I will hunt you down, take pictures of your house and make self-congratulatory posts on message board all across this great nation. I am going after bad webcomics, plain and simple. You idea of "small fry" may be someone else's entire world. Similarly, one of your "big bad webcomics" might be completely unknown to half my apparently voluminous audience. I'll tackle what I want, when I want. Saying I shouldn't, or (even worse) suggesting webcomics for me to do, is just going to make me ignore you and maybe eventually take a weed whacker to my ding-a-ling and end up writing a colossal clusterfuck of a shitty MSPaint masterpiece about gay android sex. Okay maybe not, but seriously, shut up about it. And stop being so supportive of me! I've lost the sense of danger and excitement that came with this blog. I need more death threats and lawsuit attempts! Start calling me a dicktard again! It's creepy and unpleasant to be liked.
Anonymous said...
You'd be dicktard if you hadn't misused a weed wacker. Die in three fires. I'm also sueing you for wishing death on people. Your welcome.
Anonymous said...
Fine. I hate you, you goddamn dickless sack of ass pie. Now blog something else, you spineless shit-stick of an obnoxious fuckall with the intellectual capacity of a child.
Anonymous said...
User Friendly has some of the worst art I've ever seen. Where other authors gradually improve their artwork over time, UF has had the same "art" for 10 years. Illiad can't even draw a single straight line if he tried. I've seen straighter line jobs with MSPaint (no joke).
Anonymous said...
Why does everyone hate my neck beard?
Tim said...
Uh oh, I knew eventually you'd get around to tearing the shit out of something I actually like. No, not User Friendly (ugh), PvP. I mean, it's not brilliant or anything, but it makes me laugh, and often. I do have to admit that it suffers heavily from cookie-cutter characters, though.
J said...
UF is pretty fucking terrible, especially the early years. I have no opinion on PvP, and that's after reading it a bit. Meh. Oh, and fuck you.
Anonymous said...
I promise to flame you intensely if you hit Striptease, you cocksucker.
Anonymous said...
Hey, I said it was hilarious going after the little guys. I know how you love your death threats, honey snookums. I'm not criticizing you for it. I'm just saying, you know, some webcomics are more responsible than others for fecal matter on the internet. 8-Bit was just an example (and while the guy who writes it didn't invent the sprite comic, I would bet the extra penis on my forehead that he's responsible for there being 48769834769843 of them).
Anonymous said...
You better watch out John, I'm going to SAY MANY VERY BAD THINGS TO YOU if you say bad things about my favorite internet pictures!
Anonymous said...
Dude, people haven't made fun of User Friendly for five years. Unlike all your other criticisms which are two years old at most, this one has been played so much that making fun of making fun of User Friendly has already become a dead horse trope. What next, comment on how Mark Twain sucks because Huck Finn isn't racist enough?
Cicero said...
Haha actually, that would be awesome. You could do a retro review. "PLUTARCH, SUGGESTING ALEXANDER IS GAY IS TIRED AND DONE! THIS KIND OF HOMOPHOBIA IS SO PRE-PELOPENISIAN WAR. GET WITH THE TIMES!"
Anonymous said...
Yeah, I'm going to agree with anonymous on this one.
Ralphie said...
Ah, Mr Solomon, you do manage to make me smile every once in a while. But seriously, man, did you have to go so far with that extended metaphor there? I mean, I coulda been eating!
Anonymous said...
quit blueballing us and do sluggy already you jerk
Anonymous said...
That's the first time I've seen the words "danger and excitement" and "blog" in the same sentence.
Anonymous said...
He's just all excited ever since Reitz left a dead cat stapled to his front door and a burning ankh in his yard. I think John's holding out for Reitz putting the bloody remains of her own penis in his bed.
Anonymous said...
Hay guyz, its so stupid that we landed on the moon. How stupid did those stuck up pricks think we must be to be entertained by a moon landing? Faggots fuck faggots moon faggots fuck. That is what reading this blog is like. A bunch of angry unfunny words about shit nobody gives a crap about anymore. And User Friendly? Whats next, an essay on how Garfield isn't funny?
Anonymous said...
webcomics are like landing on the moon! shut up
Mutantboyy said...
I am curious. Do you do your own webcomic? And if so, could I see some of your work? I am interested in seeing what your interpretation of a good comic is. Who knows, maybe I will learn something myself.
Mutantboyy said...
I am curious. Do you do your own webcomic? And if so, could I see some of your work? I am interested in seeing what your interpretation of a good comic is. Who knows, maybe I will learn something myself. **EDIT** I forgot to log into my account, so here is the actual comment ;)
Monty Ashley said...
I sometimes want to read through the archives of User Friendly. But then I realize I'm actually thinking of General Protection Fault. And then realize I'm thinking of a Websnark essay on why GPF became a bloated off-topic mess.
Anonymous said...
I've been ignoring most webcomics for ten years - there are plenty of shitty, un-funny 4-panel gag strips in the newspaper, I don't feel the need to seek out new ones - and this blog is making me feel better about my decision all the time. Kudos to you, sir! Kudos!
Anonymous said...
"I promise to flame you intensely if you hit Striptease, you cocksucker." Ooh, touchy, aren't we? For what it's worth, your words inspired me to have a quick look at Striptease. I stress that "quick": however, what I saw didn't exactly make me think that it deserves any sort of special exemption from Jon's ire. It's not exactly dreadful, but it is a definite "nothing" of a strip. Sort of like a substandard episode of "Friends" with comics references.
Anonymous said...
We've got a good feel for what you don't like, but I'd like to know what you do like. What is your favorite webcomic?
John Solomon said...
My favourite webcomic is too good to be mentioned here. Also shut the fuck up everyone saying that UF is "old news": here are my criteria for what makes a bad webcomic: 1. Is it bad? UF somehow managed to fulfil all of these and so I blog'd it.
James said...
Good god.... I couldn't get through two pages of this comic without finding it entirely unreadable. Normally, I can find SOMETHING redeeming in every peice of "art" I percieve. But this..... left me speechless.
Anonymous said...
The truth is that if you tell us what you like, then your whole schtick is out the window -- because the very holes you're shooting through these webcomics can be just as easily shot through the webcomic that you hold up as Good. You can't afford to say something good about a webcomic because doing so leaves you vulnerable to the same attacks you levy on others. Unfortunately, that also means you can't be truthful.
Falconer said...
The truth is that if you tell us what you like, then your whole schtick is out the window -- because the very holes you're shooting through these webcomics can be just as easily shot through the webcomic that you hold up as Good. You can't afford to say something good about a webcomic because doing so leaves you vulnerable to the same attacks you levy on others. Unfortunately, that also means you can't be truthful. This makes about as much sense as "If you don't have a webcomic of your own, you have no right to judge webcomics." The only sure thing that Solomon noting what comics he likes would accomplish is to give muckrakers another 'reason' to dismiss his observations. He can't 'afford' to say good things about a webcomic because THIS IS NOT A BLOG FOR AND ABOUT GOOD WEBCOMICS. This blog is about discussing webcomics that are bad and why the people who make them should feel bad about those webcomics. I have no idea why that is so hard for some people (currently you) to understand. He's more than capable of being truthful, and he has in fact done as much. He truthfully is disgusted beyond coherent thought at a webcomic like Dominic Deegan and he's noted as much. He truthfully is confused as to why anyone could look at what JDR squats out onto a drawing surface and consider it to be anything but an abomination to the eyes. Overall your logic is, quite simply, flawed. If I see a rotten apple, I don't have to tell you what my favorite kind of apple is in order to be able to say in all honesty (hur hur) that it is, indeed, a rotten apple.
Anonymous said...
"The truth is that if you tell us what you like, then your whole schtick is out the window -- because the very holes you're shooting through these webcomics can be just as easily shot through the webcomic that you hold up as Good. You can't afford to say something good about a webcomic because doing so leaves you vulnerable to the same attacks you levy on others. Unfortunately, that also means you can't be truthful." In a blog comment on a different post, Soloman mentioned that Gunnerkrigg Court "has no place on this blog, because it is fantastic". By all means, tear into it if you think it's worthy of being torn into. I would love to see what justification you could come up with to call Gunnerkrigg Court a "bad webcomic".
Thorpe said...
It's hard to believe. User Friendly has been going on all these years without even a small sign of improvement. There are plenty of webcomics out there which get updated year after year, some dating back to 1999, which just go on and on, the creator churning out one dreary strip after the other to a small audience, untill they eventually quit with a crybaby rant or let it peter out without warning but UF is actually popular is some circles. People I'd normally trust have recommended it to me over the years. These people aren't chubby, virginal Linux nerds or Slashdotters who reflexively spell Microsoft as "Micro$quash" It has the art you'd find in a particularly bad comic strip that pops up in an "alternative" student newspaper, the mediocre writing of workplace themed strips you find in newsletters and small town newspapers ground out by anonymous hacks...it's amazing it's lasted so long. And if I may tug on your sleeve and demand you review something, at least someday, not real soon but someday over the horizon, don't rush it, take a whack at Sabrina Online. Another decade's worth of mediocrity courtesy of a guy who has issues that make Mookie look reasonable. Also, General Protection Fault - a prime example of the comic that wants to be a wacky zany humor good time strip and a serious tense gripping drama type strip and fails in all ways possible.
Anonymous said...
Don't be a pussy, Solomon- tell us what your favourite webcomic is!
Anonymous said...
Falconer: If you go around saying every, darned apple is rotten, then people would start to wonder if you'd know a good apple if you bit into one...
Falconer said...
Falconer: If you go around saying every, darned apple is rotten, then people would start to wonder if you'd know a good apple if you bit into one... Probably... but if I do so while explaining why exactly the apple is rotten, even if I happen to use profanity in the process, what I consider a good apple is irrelevant. Disclosing what my favorite kind of apple is will not change the fact that the apple in front of me is rotten and rather inedible, especially if I say why it is indeed rotten and rather inedible. Refusing to disclose my favorite kind of apple will, interestingly enough, also not change the fact that the apple in front of me is rotten and rather inedible, especially if I say why it is indeed rotten and rather inedible. If at that point, people are willing to say, "Pssh, you didn't say what your favorite type of apple is, so you're incapable of being truthful.", I'd shake my head and maybe feel bad for them, since they're not real good with logic and/or handling criticism towards their favorite kind of apple. Plus, there are ways to indicate that something sucks, is shitty, is rotten, or is otherwise undesirable aside from a direct comparison between it and something else. To be more exact, and going back to apples, telling you about how I love nothing more than a shiny Granny Smith apple doesn't strengthen my explanation as to why a rotted, dirt-covered, smashed Golden Delicious is disgusting. That GD is going to be smashed, dirt-covered and rotten no matter what I say about Granny Smiths (if I say anything at all). So overall: - Insisting that because I refuse to say anything about Granny Smith apples, that I can not be truthful about apples as a whole is flawed reasoning. - Insisting that because Solomon refuses to note what his favorite webcomic is, that he can not be truthful about webcomics as a whole is flawed reasoning. - Assuming that slamming a few webcomics (or types of apple) equates to slamming every webcomic (type of apple) in existance is Blanket Statement Warfare at its finest.
Anonymous said...
Falconer: Your obsession with apples is somewhat disconcerting. :) Meanwhile... do you notice that this is the only question Solomon has remained silent on? Perhaps he realizes that what I said is true.
Anonymous said...
"Meanwhile... do you notice that this is the only question Solomon has remained silent on?" Dude. Gunnerkrigg Court. He likes it. It may not be his favorite but he likes it enough to call it "fantastic". I pointed this out once already but you ignored it, not surprisingly. Go to town. Rip it to shreds. This is the point where all you Solomon detractors get to have the revenge you've been waiting for. Show us how big a hypocrite he is by demolishing a comic he likes.
Falconer said...
Falconer: Your obsession with apples is somewhat disconcerting. :) Meanwhile... do you notice that this is the only question Solomon has remained silent on? Perhaps he realizes that what I said is true. As the anonymous poster below you noted, Solomon has said that he likes Gunnerkrigg Court (among other comics). That aside, you really should start taking notice of when people shoot holes in your theories, as opposed to soldiering on under the belief that if you ignore them, that they were not in fact ever brought up in the first place. There's only so much you can drag out of the same flawed explanation before you have nothing left to stand on, after all. :)
Anonymous said...
There was an old man of Bombay, On a slow-boat to China one day; He was trapped at the tiller By a sex-crazed gorilla, And China's a very long way.
Anonymous said...
Wait a... So John, who so vividly despises webcomics that steal from other sources, thinks Gunnerkrigg Court is fantastic? When it's so blatently Hogwarts school of science, with fantasy thrown all over it?
Anonymous said...
Yes, because anything that is set in a location that resembles a British public school and has any fantastic elements is obviously a Harry Potter ripoff. Nobody but Rowling has ever done anything like that, nope.
Anonymous said...
Sorry love, guess I didn't realize that all British public schools have 4 houses, different dorms for each house, 7 years instead of grades, a main character with dead/missing parents, a huge library with an restricted section of particularly potent books and such, magical creatures, a moat, a forest full of creatures that don't like the inhabitants of the school, or what they learn there, and Draco Malfoy. Do forgive my ignorance, it's been a while since I've been over there.
Anonymous said...
Don't get me wrong, I mean, it's a very interesting, well-drawn comic with a captivating plot and all, I'm just laughing at the hypocrisy.
Anonymous said...
You are missing the point of UserFriendly. It is a (primitive) webforum that happens to have a daily cartoon attached. I wouldn't be surprised if most of the tech support types, cat lovers and gun nuts (often all three at once) who frequent the place read the comic about once a week at most. At least thats the impression I got when I hung out there - A recovering UFie
Anonymous said...
Actually, if you knew anything about British public schools, you'd know that splitting them up into four houses (each with its own dorm) with seven years each is a very common way of doing things. That's why Rowling set up Hogwart's that way. Personally, I can't decide if Gunnerkrigg Court rips off "The Dark is Rising" or "His Dark Materials" more than the Harry Potter books. All those British fantasy series starring children tend to blur together after a while, don't they? It's almost like there are common themes or something.
Mike said...
Why the fuck are you reading British fantasy series starring children in the first fucking place? Kid toucher. Also, John rules. I don't agree with everything he has to say, but he's damn funny when he says it.
Kratos said...
To the HURF BLURF I CAN SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE WEBCOMIC crowd: Of course you fucking can! You can say bad things about anything! ANYTHING! Criticism is entirely based off taste! So John doesn't have the same taste you do. OK. Don't fucking threaten him with death or rape or whateverthefuck! And to the OH HE'S SO MEAN WHY CAN'T HE BE NICER OH WUGAGAGAUAGAAAAHHHH crowd: It's the internet, retards. It was built for being an asshole. If you don't like it, don't read it! It's as simple as that. Actually, never mind, I don't mean that. I like watching people have a meltdown about a review they don't agree with.
John Solomon said...
It's funny because they're struggling to find things wrong with Gunnerkrigg Court and are settling for shit like "why are you reading a comic about a little girl" and "this shit rips off Harry Potter". I could count the amount of British fiction to do with magic and public schools on my fingers - if I had five billion fingers. It is quite literally its own genre, and has been since the fucking 19th century. Deal with it, morons.
Cyclist At Large said...
Man, this is coming in late, and it's possible nobody will ever read it, but Gunnerkrigg Court really IS fantastic.
Fintan said...
That User Friendly site could use some more advertisements
Anonymous said...
I'd LOVE for you to hunt me down, take pictures of my house and make self-congratulatory posts on message board all across this great nation. (because there can only be one message board.) Anyways, do that and maybe people will actually take you seriously. I also question your talent as a writer when you have to swear every second or third word. You aren't actually reviewing anything and you drown any good points in bashing and repeating yourself. Oh wait.. I just realized. How can you post self-congratulatory posts of someone else?
fluffy said...
If you think that UF is too funny and well-drawn, you could always check out "Mandatory Fun Day," the new webcomic running at dailywtf.com.
The Fred said...
UF was the very first webcomic I ever read, I'm not sure how I got into it. I stopped reading about 2001, the same time I picked up PA. I have no idea how I enjoyed that shit.
Anonymous said...
John Solomon is Charlie Brooker.
Anonymous said...
I know that UF has a very niche audience, but that doesn't mean it's shit. The reason most people find it unfunny is because it's dunked, soaked, and glazed with referaances to nerd culture and technology, some of which is obscure. I myself am a fan of it. Now, my point is, there is a thin line between niche and crap. In fact, I agree with nearly all of the reviews on this blog.